Wednesday night I turned on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. TBN, for those who do not know, is a religious station run by money grubbing morons who like nothing better than to steal cash from people in countries all over the world by convincing them that they are either A) about to die or be overwhelmed by the forces of Satan or B) that TBN can get God to solve their problems by taking their cash. People buy this crap, because they want something simple and straightforward to believe in. A complex reality is simply too much for them to comprehend, so whoever can offer them the easiest answers gets their support, in this case support is loads of cash. But I digress, Wednesday a show called Jack Van Impe Presents was on. Jack Van Impe is a biblical scholar who runs a "NEWS" program with his wife Dr. Rexalla Van Impe (That's her name, I'm not joking), and a truly awesome disembodied voice. This fine evening, the subject of the program was Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. This book, if you recall, came out about 3 years ago and was a best seller for a while. It deals with the secrets of the Catholic Church and the life of Jesus. It's also a work of fiction, so none of it is necessarily true. Alas, ol' Jack didn't quite catch on, and claimed that it was corrupting the world, and destroying Christianity. Over a period of 30 minutes he quoted about 500 bible verses to prove every point the book makes wrong. Then, he cut to a commercial for his own 30 dollar dvd on how the world is soon going to be controlled by a super computer created by the governments of the U.S. and China, under the direction of, get this, the ILLUMINATI. If I'm not mistaken, that was actually the plot of a Dan Brown book. Of course, he made the Illuminati out to be horrible villains, when in reality, if they ever did exist, they were only scientists pissed off at the Church for oppressing them. Included in this horror film was an Anti-Dan Brown DVD. Jack and Rexalla both stressed how important it was that I buy the DVDs.
Jack really doesn't get fiction. Fiction means that a writer can say things that aren't real. In my book that some of you might one day read, I say that God is a toaster. Now, Jack might call me a corrupting influence because to him, God could have never been a toaster. He would then point out 300 bible verses proving me wrong and make a DVD to "Save the world from my evil". Cool as that would be, its a sad sad truth. Jesus probably didn't marry Mary Magdalene, and the Knights Templar really didn't matter, but Dan Brown has a right to say that they did. Jack Van Impe would be content to take that right away, limiting the creativity of Man's mind, because it interferes with his simple straightforward view of religion and life. He's an idiot, and one day I hope to punch him in the face.